| chapter eighty-six. |
[03 Aug 2008|10:23pm] |
4 years ago today was the accident that changed all of our lives.
i'm thankful that i won't spend the next 8 days crying as i did then -
but, i'll smile and think of all the fun times. i'm just thankful that we were all able to experience them too.
my how we've grown up.
and vanessa, she still reminds me of him, even the few times i see her.
we love you joey.
promise.
|
complete me.
|
| chapter sixty-seven. |
[17 May 2007|10:00pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
cry on demand. // ryan adams. |
] |
i saw disturbia.
i am disturbed.
class is half over.
weird?
i've taken to sitting at midnight oil each night at the counter;
taking advantage of the free wi-fi and the endless glasses of water.
occasionally a sweet tea or a muffin;
but really just enjoying the atmosphere.
i can't burn my bridges.
i feel like i have.
amen, omen.
i've talked my dad 2 times in the past 3 days.
it's really neat, because i'm finally learning stuff -
and i feel like i can share it with him.
and he loves that we're sharing 'professional' conversations [as he calls them].
and he surprises me more and more each day -
with everything that i thought i knew that was new and fresh,
and he already knew.
i guess that's what dad's are for.
i've never felt farther away.
i'm worried about my sister; i miss her.
.
.
.
.
.
no one else drives me wild.
no one else makes me feel free.
i haven't slept a full night in two months.
so, it's how the story goes.
how'd i learn to cry on demand?
it's easy.
i close my eyes.
i don't think i'm going to eat until i go home.
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2 // complete me.
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| chapter sixty-six. |
[16 May 2007|07:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
a little sick. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the buzz of the AC. |
] |
i feel like it's one step forward,
18 steps back.
9 days and counting...well, 8 if you don't count today.
and really only 7 more class periods because next friday is the final.
it's like that incubus song,
"i know i'll see you again, whether far or soon...but i need you to know, that i care and i miss you."
one of my best friends here is leaving in the morning.
oh well.
and i'm feeling a little sick from the food i ate tonight [georgetown one-stop?]
for anyone who's familiar with this place -
um, there was definitely a cadillac limo sitting out there when we finished eating tonight.
wish i had had a camera with me.
i sleep all the time.
i dream all the time.
it's about all i'm good for.
let me come back to you;
am i failing myself?
i don't think so.
i think i just know more now.
i guess, we need to make lists and have a round table discussion.
unfortunately, you can't always say everything you want to there.
and...i will not cry.
that is such a lie.
|
complete me.
|
| chapter sixty-five. |
[15 May 2007|09:39pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the music of the night...in mid. oil. |
] |
i had a really nice long conversation tonight; with a really nice, listening friend.
i enjoy midnight oil.
i'm really ready to go home and figure my life out.
i've learned how undependable people are.
and it's really beginning to bother me.
[i've said really a lot, my apologies.]
i don't want to hear that you're going to hang out with me;
and then never receive a phone call.
or be stood up.
please, be better friends.
i'm sorry that i feel it necessary to communicate with you.
i don't think that you mind, particularly.
i just don't want to make things worse.
i've learned a lot this past month.
about myself.
about my life.
things are going to be okay.
but, no one else can endure the numerous questions that i ask like you can.
"how dare you say it's nothing to me? baby you're the only light i ever saw."
oh. my. john. mayer.
nour, i miss you.
nora, i miss you.
everyone else - alas, i miss you too.
let's get ready; let's be ready and waiting to fall.
|
6 // complete me.
|
| chapter sixty-four. |
[13 May 2007|03:21pm] |
i had a nice trip to heber springs (the lake?).
there was a lot of sitting around and watching tv.
i miss you.
it's been 3 weeks since i've heard you.
4 since i've seen you.
and, i'm absolutely going crazy inside.
serious talks,
here we come.
i do care.
i've realized the past couple of days that i really miss being touched -
and not sexually,
but the 'let me love on you' kind of way and take care of you.
|
complete me.
|
| chapter sixty-three. |
[08 May 2007|01:11am] |
can someone tell me when things changed?
i sat in gym stars tonight and listened to shelby (she's 8, one of our competitive gymnasts, her dad john co-owns the gym) cry - all she wanted was "5 more minutes dad!! 5 more, please!!!!" and john said no.
so shelby cried.
i looked to her mom, traci, and said "oh, to be 8, where that was the only thing i cried about."
in all seriousness, when did things change so much that imagination, a full heart, and an early bedtime no longer satisfy us?
my pillow is wet with tears each night these days;
a longing for everything to go back to how it was.
an aching for my two best friends.
my heart is an empty room.
and i wish that the numerous jumps on the trampolines and backhandsprings and pullovers and jumps to high bar would satisfy me these days - like it does shelby.
but it doesn't.
and i would give anything for that to be true.
|
1 // complete me.
|
| chapter sixty-one. |
[25 Apr 2007|11:20pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
accidental babies. // damien rice. |
] |
the last week and a half has gone by slower than any other week in college.
it's been okay...but just okay.
horribly, horribly lonely.
do you remember what the dorms smelled like when we first moved in?
sometimes, like tonight, i smelled it when i walked in -
and it gave me a sense of hope.
a hope that new things were destined to come, and that i could still go home and come back and the mystery could still be here.
i can't do anything, go anywhere, or see anything without thinking of jonathan.
and it sucks.
i mean, not that i'm reminded of him,
but it's just like salt in an open wound.
he's my best friend.
attractions to other people are a negative.
i mean, don't get me wrong -
i love the attention.
but...
it just, doesn't even compare.
i've been in such a depressed mood today.
i enjoyed bible study at the woodroof's.
but, again, it's always good.
i need to do laundry.
i think i'm going to stay for intersession.
and i might have a job @ the YMCA at home for m-f.
it'd be 40 hours a week.
but, i guess anything to keep from feeling...
i need to learn to not be cynical and pessimistic, it's what got me into this situation in the first place.
i have love.
s'agapeo.
|
4 // complete me.
|
| chapter sixty. |
[22 Apr 2007|12:42pm] |
i think this is the lowest i have ever felt.
i don't think,
i'm pretty positive.
maybe eventually everything will be okay.
|
2 // complete me.
|
| chapter fifty-six-point-five. |
[23 Mar 2007|09:39pm] |
i'm feeling...
unaffiliated.
unaffirmed.
unarticulate.
uncared-for.
unwanted.
unwelcome.
unvalued.
unloved.
disagreeable.
disappointed.
disarrayed.
disasterous.
disbursed.
discarded.
discomforted.
disconnected.
disconsolated.
discontented.
discontinued.
discouraged.
need i go on?
|
2 // complete me.
|
| chapter fifty-five. |
[21 Feb 2007|07:50pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
alone. |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
brick. // ben folds. |
] |
the past few weeks i've been horribly homesick - and it's seriously been about 2 and a half weeks.
i'm not sure what's going on, or why i felt that way, but i did nonetheless.
i left for gatlinburg thursday afternoon.
my friend scott and i watched 7 episodes of 24 on the 10 hour drive there.
it was a lot of fun.
we all sat around and talked - i mean, what else is there to do on such a long car ride?
but, the thing that impressed me the most was the fact that none of us knew eachother ---
not really at least.
however, that wasn't a problem.
from the moment we left, it was like we had known eachother for ages.
it was amazing.
once we got to gatlinburg we were up and running with very little sleep.
we handed out hot chocolate.
we worked in the booth.
we met people.
and we hung out together.
our devos at night made me miss being in the youth group and traveling places with everyone.
saturday night it was late.
we were exhausted.
we were in the big room --- curtains open, snow falling...
and we were just singing and you could feel how powerful it was in the room.
everyone was sitting really close and it was one of the best feelings i've had in a while.
i remembered why i came to harding; the people.
and those bonds.
i get frustrated with the 'institution' sometimes,
but it's the people that make this place.
so, this week i've been an overall happier person.
i feel lifted up.
and i feel like i'm finally finding my place here - more and more each day.
i ate dinner with erin and john tonight - the three of us have 'unconditional' love for one another.
more like john's the brother and we're the 2 little sisters.
but it's nice to have people that are concerned about you, take your feelings to heart and to just plain love you.
i'm pretty sure my love language is 'words of affirmation'.
i've always been told how proud my parents are of me etc, but i have slowly come to realize that i just need to be told i'm loved and that someone cares, or for someone to act genuinely interested in what i'm saying....
sigh.
i don't know.
i ordered the book and i'm ready to read it.
then i'll make jon read it in all his free time...right.
i'm rambling.
|
2 // complete me.
|
| chapter fifty-three &a half. |
[08 Feb 2007|12:21am] |
my left knee is swollen from spring sing.
katie was mean and made us do that move over and over :]
nah, it's really okay.
these running tights are awesome.
i managed to make a mess in my room after one day.
i made mini vanilla wafer peanut butter sandwich miniature things today.
SO YUMMY.
i have the best boyfriend, hands down.
no explanation needed really.
God is God, i am not --- i will never understand IT all.
thank you steven curtis chapman for those profound words.
HEY Dr. JAMES! Hope you're reading.
|
1 // complete me.
|
| chapter fifty-two. |
[03 Feb 2007|10:59pm] |
|
i got a postcard from jonathan today and on it he wrote, "the days are long here, but way too short."
man, he is SO profound.
no, but really.
it's so weird how time is passing.
i was really homesick tonight.
like, to tears.
but then i talked to jonathan.
and my parents.
i miss them - the rents - a lot more this semester.
they've really started treating me like a grown up and it's really cool.
when i talked to my mom tonight she asked if i felt better and i said i did because i talked to jonathan and that sometimes it's nice to talk to someone that knows you.
and she said that she completely understood, because my new friends don't completely know me yet.
hard to explain.
ps. nasty leak in the hallway.
i had a nice supper with rachel brown though.
i've missed her.
and my body is sore.
and spring sing....is pretty fun.
but tiresome.
so, do i go to houston for spring break with tyler/emily/chelsie/jenn --- or do i go home?
it would mean not going home till after finals in may.
BAH.
i can't make such tough decisions.
|
1 // complete me.
|
| chapter fifty. |
[21 Jan 2007|10:11pm] |
| [ |
music |
| |
been through the water. // kyle matthews. |
] |
i can't wait to be in heaven some day where i will get to sing with the angels and all my brothers and sisters at any time that i want to.
when i sit inside downtown church and listen --- and i get caught up in how beautiful it is...i can only imagine what heaven will be like.
i had such a good day today.
i went to church this morning with 2 of my favorite people.
i spent almost 2 hours eating @ lenny's with 9 or 10 people --- and laughed so much.
it can be so fun here if you just let it.
i came back to the room to take a nap...but instead i got sucked in by lifetime! [television for women! hah.]
i should stop watching lifetime movies.
but i did finally fall asleep...for an hour or so. and it was quite refreshing.
i went to the caf with rachel klemmer and i ate a bunch of pears and we visited.
and then came back to my room where she sat on the bunk bed and kept me company while i really cleaned up my horrifically messy room.
chelsie and tyler joined us and we headed to downtown.
so pure, so unadulterated.
so beautiful.
this morning, i went to this church called fellowship bible church.
and, it was nice.
but, the thing that i enjoyed most was the lesson.
while some people made fun of or brushed it off because they aren't married - it was a lesson that was so applicable to relationships as well as friendships.
he talked about how a woman's deepest need is to feel loved and a man's deepest need is to feel respected.
he derived that from the verses in ephesians 5 that talk about a wife submitting to her husband and the husband loving his wife like Christ loved the church.
it was amazing how much sense everything he was saying made.
if a wife says something to her husband that makes him feel disrespected, he could in turn say something to her that will make her feel unloved, and then she would go again and say something to make him feel disrespected and so on and so forth.
and i'm sure none of this is making sense -
but it did when he said it.
it just said a lot about how to deal with the opposite sex -
and how boys don't think like girls and vice versa.
and you just have to take all of that into account.
i went to LR yesterday w/ my suitemates lauren and amber and the girl across the hall, katie.
it was a lot of fun.
it's so nice to have friends in different groups.
and it's so nice to meet people.
i'm going to memphis in....5 days!
hooray.
tomorrow is long.
class till 3.
work till 5.
spring sing from 6-8.
coach's meeting @ 8.
sigh.
it's going by so quickly.
|
2 // complete me.
|
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